Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
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If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys