It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
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Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.