I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
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Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
gm
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct