I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
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mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I love the National Park Service.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.