i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
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When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me too 😆
Google assistant rules
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free