I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
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Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.