I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
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When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.