I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
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Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that