I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

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Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.


My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.


Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.


If vid games answered back in real time they’d move lots more units


“Maybe if you didn’t suck..”

*slams x-box on floor*


Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”


Just for the record … the medical term for injecting disinfectants into the body is called “embalming”.


I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.


I’m not mature enough, in any way, to ever have a friend named Dick.


I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.


I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.