@LostFelicia

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

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@smilesofrage

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

@FreudsTwin

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.

@genehunter1

Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.

@CherBear162

If vid games answered back in real time they’d move lots more units

I DIED? BULLSHIT!

“Maybe if you didn’t suck..”

*slams x-box on floor*

@armyVet1972

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

@joanwilsonorg

Just for the record … the medical term for injecting disinfectants into the body is called “embalming”.

@KayRants

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

@kelly__le

I’m not mature enough, in any way, to ever have a friend named Dick.

@BlindChow

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

@DothTheDoth

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.