I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
You Might Also Like
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.