I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
welp
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
cry laughing at this shit
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano