One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.