All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
don’t we all
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”