@Lisabug74

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

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@robboma3

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

@MNateShyamalan

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

@FunnyBison

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

@prufrockluvsong

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

@emilymaej

I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I’d just be dead. Smart kid.

@rickolantern

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

@Darlainky

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

@sofarrsogud

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

@TweetingDadGuy

Please women who wear 1 inch heels.

What’s the point? You look ridiculous.

What difference does 1 inch really make?

Don’t answer that.

@ultimatesteve

*phone rings*

Wife: Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan*

Wife – “….””