Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
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british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I’d just be dead. Smart kid.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Please women who wear 1 inch heels.
What’s the point? You look ridiculous.
What difference does 1 inch really make?
Don’t answer that.
Wife: Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan*
Wife – “….””