I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
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Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
“What?”
– Jude
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Dishonest mechanic?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.