@TamiDaBushPilot

I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.

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@joshgondelman

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

@pittdave13

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

@thepaulahunt

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

@kwirkyKerri

The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

@LilMoose77

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

@mikefossey

Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots

@tulobh

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

@matt_travelling

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?