I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.
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God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?