I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
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[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street