I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
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I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Florida man
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️