I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

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when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral


The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.


why do people with two hands order drinks one at a time?


DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful


Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.


me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*


Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way


I wear a monogrammed bathrobe but only when I’m mowing the lawn


Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Him: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.