*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.
I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.
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[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
*my opponent smirks*
“All in.” he says.
*pair of aces*
*throws down a pair of Olsen twins*
Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that
paramedic: can you tell me what happened
crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”