Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god