@svnsxtional

I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.

You Might Also Like

@thenatewolf

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.

@mrjohndarby

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

@MikeBigby

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

@man_spach

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

@Nickadoo

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

@HouseWithDoors

*playing poker*
*my opponent smirks*
“All in.” he says.
*pair of aces*
*I smile*
*throws down a pair of Olsen twins*
“Full House.”

@T_Bonezzz_

Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that

@LMHPhotog

paramedic: can you tell me what happened

crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car

@TheAlexNevil

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”