I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.

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*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.


[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*


Knuckle tats:




Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?


America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.


*playing poker*
*my opponent smirks*
“All in.” he says.
*pair of aces*
*I smile*
*throws down a pair of Olsen twins*
“Full House.”


Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that


paramedic: can you tell me what happened

crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car


“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”