My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
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I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Monday
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]