I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
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When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Jail
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”