@RummyLauded

I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.

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@yerpalmildsauce

Whenever I’m in the mood for a bowl of wet meat and vegetables, I always choose Soup.™

@OllyiConic

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

@squirrel74wkgn

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

@GoldenSpirals

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

@thequeensheart

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

@SCbchbum

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

@drinksmcgee

*catches a pretty girl’s eye
*puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I’ve collected

@jazz_inmypants

her: i love astrology

me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest

her: that’s astronomy, and yes

@ValeeGrrl

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

@WilliamAder

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.