I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
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I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie