You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
You Might Also Like
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
nature’s most graceful animal
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off