Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
You Might Also Like
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Carpe DM
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
How I’d get arrested…