I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
You Might Also Like
I wish I could veto my bills.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
first you must answer his riddles
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol