I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
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Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”