My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
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5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
it was love at first sight
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese