I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
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I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say