I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
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Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me: