I can only handle so much of a screaming kid on a long car ride before I pull over, take them off the roof, and let them back in.

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Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.


I love you guys with all my ass. I would say heart, but my ass is bigger.


scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit


When I was a kid I got in trouble for playing with Grandma Bella in the sandbox. Can’t play with dead bodies apparently.


Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear


Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.


Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.


Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.


Superman: I’m my own worst enemy.

Lex Luthor: oh. That’s nice. I’m literally standing right here.


Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.