I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
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this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.