BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately
ME: No way
*porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.
I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
How old do I look?
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any