@TexasHickspanic

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

You Might Also Like

@iamspacegirl

Ranger Station

BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately

ME: No way

*porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*

@Sammart123

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

@Mimiification

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

@jwomackou

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

@sirchutney

Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.

I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.

@ConcernedSirGuy

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

@sofarrsogud

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

@HansGrubertron

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

@caliluvgirl77

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any