I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
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Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
The asteroid..
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky