I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
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Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Stop it! 😂