I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
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Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)