I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
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KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Hotels are back
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Wake me when AI does housework
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs