I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
LOOOOOOL
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Not even remotely sorry.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?