@TigNotaro

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

- @TigNotaro

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@thenatewolf

My targeted ads keep trying to sell me a new mattress. Come on, Google. Stop pretending like you don’t know exactly how much I have in the bank right now. Send me an ad for $5 footlongs or bulk rice or something.

@AngelaEhh

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

@Douchekevin

My GFs good traits:

Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon

Bad traits:

Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon

@huntigula

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

@OrdinaryAlso

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

@QwertyJones3

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

@fridaycandy

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

@Robert_Beau

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.