I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together