@TigNotaro: I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I'm doing my job.
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@EndhooS: If you legally change your name to 'You're Free to Go' then it's impossible to get arrested.
@thepunningman: [doctors] "How long have I got?" "Not long. Two, three months" [casually places apple on desk] "Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!"
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What does God smell like? Me: 4-year-old: Me: Nachos. 4-year-old: With cheese?