@TigNotaro

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

You Might Also Like

@davidkenny100

What I don’t understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He’s just a fat, lecherous crook.

Wait

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

@tarashoe

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

@LurkAtHomeMom

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

@Doc_Tweetz

Her: I’m a model.

Him: Oh cool, what agency?

Her: No, I’m an Instagram model.

Him: Ah ok. I used to be a sniper.

Her: Oh what, in the army?

Him: No, Call of Duty.

@nerdamage

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

@SortaBad

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

@Home_Halfway

I’m actually not looking forward to my wife having the baby. I hate meeting new people

@KevinFarzad

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.