I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
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I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
we did it you guys we saved daylight
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.