*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
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My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
asking santa clause for nudes
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.