@SoulYodeler

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

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@FunnyBison

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

@jazmasta

*gives ex wife’s next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*

@AndyAsAdjective

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

@MissHavisham

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

@Dustinkcouch

her: i just got a call from my doctor

me: what did he say

her: that we got a baby coming

me: but we haven’t had sex

her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.

@nice_mustard

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

@kay_bee28

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

@TheBoydP

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

@FuckabillyRex

I gave my bus driver a copy of the play I wrote about a bus driver that falls in love with one of his passengers. And now we wait.

@ScottLinnen

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together