I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

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Husband’s Last Words

I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!


I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.


“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.


I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.


my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place


[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?


Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.


Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.