@SoulYodeler

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

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@djdarrellripley

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

@IvoryGazelle

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

@Dawn_M_

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

@SnarkyMommy78

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

@mack44_d

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

@internetluke

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

@AbbeYaar

You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.

@Douchekevin

A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.

I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice

@brendohare

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

@Havish_AF

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.