I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
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I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.