R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I can see your camouflage pants, so they’re not working.
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Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
2 stinky teenagers.
Send wine and bail money.
Why does the airport entice me and call it a baggage carousel if I’m not allowed to ride on it?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.