I can see your camouflage pants, so they’re not working.

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Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.


Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.


I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.


me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free


Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting


Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.


Why does the airport entice me and call it a baggage carousel if I’m not allowed to ride on it?


Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.


It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.