I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
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Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Breaking news:
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!