@LostFelicia

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

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@Cpin42

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

@IndecisiveJones

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

@WeissBrandon

Cop: FREEZE, DON’T MOVE!!!
Me: *stops moving*
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me:…
Cop: NOW!
Me:…
Me:…
Cop: for the love of god…unfreeze

@CindyMeakin

<—- Wonders if aliens just call their ride a FO instead of UFO.

@GlowersForAlger

Did you know that “muffins” spelled backwards is actually what you do when you take them out of the oven?

@jordan_stratton

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

@sandjoeman

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.