Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
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me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Cop: FREEZE, DON’T MOVE!!!
Me: *stops moving*
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Cop: for the love of god…unfreeze
#SCOTUS one-star review
<—- Wonders if aliens just call their ride a FO instead of UFO.
Did you know that “muffins” spelled backwards is actually what you do when you take them out of the oven?
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.