Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
You Might Also Like
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Software Development ⛵️
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave