You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
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me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
never ask a starfish for directions
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”