@myles_morrison

I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich.
Diagonal = normal
Straight = serial killer
No cut = dad

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@greg_halter

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

@noogscorner

Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn’t give them a progress report every week.

@ShittyComedian

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

@TheBoydP

Who’s the idiot that made the rule that the nicest restaurants must give you the smallest portions?

@GlennyRodge

People keep telling me I’m too clumsy to open a glue and rifle shop but I’m sticking to my guns.

@PaperWash

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

@MikeCanRant

A good way to break up with a girl gently is to curtsy when youre meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.

@Marcmywords2

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
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