ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.