*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I can tell everything I need to know about your business by the thickness of your bathroom toilet paper.
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Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Somehow stumbled upon a nude beach. .
Yeah, found myself in the middle of no wear.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
her: what’s up
me: i’m in my car driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no like what location
me: driver’s side
I put the U in murder