I can tell everything I need to know about your business by the thickness of your bathroom toilet paper.

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Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.


The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.


Somehow stumbled upon a nude beach. .

Yeah, found myself in the middle of no wear.


[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed


her: what’s up

me: i’m in my car driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no like what location

me: driver’s side