I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
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I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack