I can tell if someone’s uncomfortable around me just by staring at them for 3 hours.

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Answering: How are you?

-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀


The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…


I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.


I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.


The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.


It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.


“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”


Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.


Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME


my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min