I can tell if someone’s uncomfortable around me just by staring at them for 3 hours.

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GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now


I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.


I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.


All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun


There are so many scary things in life:
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”


What’s the highest thing you’ve ever done?? One time I put a cup of water in the microwave and the cup was too tall to fit so I dumped some water out and tried to put it back in because I thought that would make it fit LMAOOOO


Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it


The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.


India’s tiger population is up 30%!


It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.


If someone’s mean to you, just lean in and whisper “I’m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world” to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.