@DecantAndPour
@markydoodoo
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
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@markydoodoo
@Slims_Ramblings
I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.
@Cpin42
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
@SnarkyMommy78
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
@liv_thatsme
There are so many scary things in life:
-fear
-hate
-murder
-injustice
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”
@heavyvvaves
What’s the highest thing you’ve ever done?? One time I put a cup of water in the microwave and the cup was too tall to fit so I dumped some water out and tried to put it back in because I thought that would make it fit LMAOOOO
@CoolCamel69
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
@TitaniumToplass
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
@cdpeck
It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.
@kumailn
If someone’s mean to you, just lean in and whisper “I’m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world” to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.