“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
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Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
🙄😏😂🤣
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
barbara was highly relatable
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.