@DecantAndPour

I can tell if someone’s uncomfortable around me just by staring at them for 3 hours.

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@papasuncle

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

@LOUD_Thoughts_

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30%of their ice cream.

@HysteriaBarbie

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

@Tmoney68

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

@offbeatoliv

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

@TheUnfitFather

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

@Bob_Janke

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

@saraheliza83

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

@not_delicate

A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.