@MindPassionate
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too đ
@TheBoydP
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
@MauriceBlitz
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
@Gupton68
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoeverâs left gets to change my poopy diapers when Iâm done looking after myself. Long story short, theyâre now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
@SCBamaMan
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
@WilliamAder
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
@thedadvocate01
âYou call this ART?!â *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* âMake me FEEL something!â
@kirahesser
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
@Chhapiness
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOUâRE WELCOME
@seamussaid
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
@DecantAndPour