My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I can tell if someone’s uncomfortable around me just by staring at them for 3 hours.
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The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30%of their ice cream.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I hate Instagram
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.