@DecantAndPour

I can tell if someone’s uncomfortable around me just by staring at them for 3 hours.

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@markydoodoo

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

@Slims_Ramblings

I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.

@Cpin42

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

@SnarkyMommy78

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

@liv_thatsme

There are so many scary things in life:
-fear
-hate
-murder
-injustice
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”

@heavyvvaves

What’s the highest thing you’ve ever done?? One time I put a cup of water in the microwave and the cup was too tall to fit so I dumped some water out and tried to put it back in because I thought that would make it fit LMAOOOO

@CoolCamel69

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

@TitaniumToplass

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

@cdpeck

It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.

@kumailn

If someone’s mean to you, just lean in and whisper “I’m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world” to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.