I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
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Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes